At the moment, it's hard to find the words to how I feel. I am more than halfway through my time here in England. Although I will be seeing my family soon, and will be busy planning for when I return, it is miserable to think of not waking up every day beside Andrew. I didn't know a person could be capable of so much change, adjustment, transition and growth in such a short period of time! What a sense of strength it has given me. There couldn't be another way to carry on a part of life that means so much. But regardless of what is happening now, memories come knocking on your door.
Often in my time alone, I find myself thinking of happy memories, as do we all. Sometimes I am standing in the kitchen, looking out at the snow, hearing a familiar song, feeling that I am just fine. Sometimes I am cozy on the couch, my niece in my arms dozing off as her Disney movie comes to an end. Sometimes I walk down the hallway of a building and see a friend in the distance I haven't seen for awhile. Sometimes I am walking through an airport terminal, cellphone in hand, eager to reach the person that awaits. Sometimes I am walking down a desert path, cactus and sage all around, breathing in the air of my roots. Sometimes I am here in my home, lighting a candle to place on the table, watching him pour two glasses of wine and smiling over the glow to meet my eyes.
The faces you see in your memories may not be the same faces you see when you look around your present life. That could make you feel sad, or maybe it makes you feel happy, or even strong. We all have months that pass so quickly it seems impossible to know where to begin or what to hold onto. We don't always ask for what we do hold onto. And dissolving an unwanted memory can be the strongest desperation.
We don't always have a choice what we're faced with, but we always have a choice of how to respond. I don't always appreciate what I've got. I don't always feel happy when I wake up in the morning. I don't always give back as much as I'm given. The truth can burn your throat as it seeps down to be absorbed.
But I am here, he is here, we are home. Call me a romantic, call me irrational, call me illogical, disagree, or read this and think, I understand. But the way I see it, nothing else matters.
