Home

It has been 2 months now since I left the states. I have had days of retreat and struggle, feeling discouraged that maybe I'm not strong enough for this. Maybe I'm not capable of allowing myself to let go and live in the present. Andrew said to me the other day that I get stronger every day. He doesn't have to worry about me hardly at all as he sees me go through my days, moving through my secure routine, walking around the city on my own, ordering food on my own, contacting places on my own, showing confidence in myself. It wasn't until he pointed these things out that I realized how far I've come in only two months. It's a feeling of stepping outside myself to analyse my actions. And he is right, I get stronger every day. It raises my spirit when he walks into the kitchen to make us a drink and says to me, "We have such a nice home, don't we babe?" 

***

"Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home"

I used to refer to Utah as home, "Back home, this is how we say this...this is how we do that..." or "I miss home". Thinking about it now, I can't remember the last time I did that. I find that I can spend an entire day inside, curled up on the couch, drinking tea in dead silence, reading a novel, and feel completely comfortable. Yes, Utah will always be the place I come from, the place where my family and friends spend their lives, the place that molded me. But here, beside Andrew, surrounded by our things, surrounded by our memories, I am the happiest. 

If you were forced to leave your home tomorrow morning, only to take with you what matters most, what would that be? That is a common question we hear over the years, similar to if you were stranded on an island, what or who would you want to have with you? Ultimately, the question that should be asked is, what is home to you? We can easily forget, swept up in our daily lives. Would you feel that you don't have a home because you've always spent your life making decisions for someone else's happiness? Would you find that where you are should be home, but you never want to walk in the door at the end of the day? 

On this journey, I've discovered that home is where my heart is, where I've made a life for myself. Home is where I go to feel safe, to feel at peace, where I want to bring loved ones, where every direction I turn, there is something of me in it. Home is a reflection of who you are and a place to share yourself with the people that matter most. I am certain deep inside my soul, my being, my spirit, my heart, my body, whatever you want to call it, that if I was forced to leave my home tomorrow morning, I would know exactly what I couldn't leave behind. That certainty is why now I call this flat, here in this city somewhere far away in the world...my home.

We all have our Englands and our Utahs.

Over the weekend we traveled to Swansea, Wales to a Cuban Salsa Congress event. People from all over the world were there to simply dance. In Andrew's words, it felt like we were watching a lava lamp. So many beautiful colors, smiling faces, flashy dresses, smart shoes, and hips, painted the dance floor. 

I couldn't help but think back to the small city I grew up in. So many are there lost in the desert, carrying on through life without learning hardly a single lesson. In contrast, there are those that live peacefully in simplicity and with the hot sun in their hearts. The path I am following is one of my own choice, stemmed from my past, and a result of who I truly am.

As I've traveled through the first part of my journey here in England, I often hear from people back in the states, how lucky I am to live here or  they wish they could move to England.What I feel in return is that I am not here because it's England. It takes a lot of trust and faith to take such a big leap away from all that is familiar. When Andrew came to the states to visit me, he was speechless when he stood before the Grand Canyon rim, or looked up at the high peaks of Zion National Park.

He felt peace feeling the waves crash over his legs in California, breathing in the salty air.

 He grew up in England, a place most people I grew up with, would love to see. From his shoes, he felt the same gratitude when visiting the country I call home...the mountains, the valleys, the peaks, the red sand. Although these places are breathtaking, we would both say the reason these moments felt so special is because we were together every second.

***

I look around and see people falling apart around me, young and old. Why? So many seem to have lost touch with what is worth striving for and lack willingness to sacrifice. Put down your mobile phones, turn off your satellite T.V., put the clothes back on the shopping rack. You ask yourself every day what is missing? Why doesn't anything work out? I read Facebook status' regularly addressing the same complaints and self pity. If there is anything easy in life, it is walking away. What's missing is your own appreciation for each breath you are given, each moment in time you have to grow and bloom. 

We all have our journeys, we all have our Englands and our Utahs. We all have our dances and our bottles of beer. None of it would matter without the genuine company we receive throughout our days. If there is one thing I can accomplish from this chapter of my life, it is to always wake up and appreciate who is beside me and who I may cross paths with before the sun goes down. 

"I can't find

Oh, the right romantic line

But see me once and see the way I feel

Don't discard me

Just because you think I mean you harm

But these cuts I have

They need love to help them heal

Oh, don't let the sun go down on me

Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see

I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free

Cause losing everything is like the sun going down on me"

-Elton John

I'm not writing to share my love story, or to try and persuade people that my life is lucky or in any way superior. I couldn't have this much happiness without having a past of my own, struggles I've overcome, and feeling pain to appreciate what matters most. Life is never as easy as it may appear. That's what makes it so precious, so fragile, so meaningful.

Life is a Constant Awakening

I awoke Saturday morning fighting the light. I heard the alarm go off and felt Andrew turn over in reaction.  It was too early but I knew I had to get myself into gear to arrive at the train station on time.  I hit snooze and pulled the covers up wanting only to snuggle in a little longer. But my conscience wasn't  having it, it was time to greet the day. I turned to Andrew to see his eyes open searching for mine. He then said softly, "I received a message I think you need to read." Startled, I took his phone and read what was in front of me. The message was from my mom, my grandpa George had passed away. Andrew wrapped his arms around and the news began to sink in...

My mind swarmed with memories of him. I thought of the time he took me and my step-brothers to Smith lake for the day. I was a bit shy and he convinced me to go play volleyball with some kids near us. He sat patiently through the day while me and my step-brothers were rambunctious, riding the zip line into the lake over and over again. Only a few months ago I remember posting a music video on Facebook of Eric Church's song, 'Smoke a Little Smoke'.

He asked, 'Who is this Eric Church?' & 'You better not be smokin' a little smoke.' I teased him in return by informing him I wouldn't do it without him joining in! That was grandpa George, always cracking jokes and caring about his family. Technically, I was his step-granddaughter, no blood relation whatsoever, and from a completely different upbringing, but he never failed to treat me equally with his own grandchildren. 

Along with these memories I thought about my other grandpas passing away in the recent years before. I was living in a different state from my grandpa Elmo and was unable to attend his funeral. I have always felt a sting of regret when I think about not being there with my family. And the strongest impact to my dad's family, was when my grandpa Owen passed away. He was the first close member in the family to pass away and seemed to have been what kept us all together. But my grandpas left behind many beautiful people to carry on in this world.

I don't mean to write this blog searching for sympathy or to dramatise my loss. I understand that we all lose loved ones. But death can really open your eyes to how precious time is. I no longer have any grandpa in my life and realize I am getting older. I think it was Saturday night, I was feeling a bit down after the busy day came to an end. I said to Andrew, 'Losing my grandpa makes me think of all the new babies being born at the same time.' He said he was thinking the same exact thing. And that's right, with death there is life, they walk hand in hand.

I am grateful to still be here carrying on the memories of all those who have created me throughout my life. My heart reaches out the most to my step-dad Jim. He lost a dear father and good friend. I can happily say thank you grandpa George for leaving behind a man who can be my dear father and my good friend to guide me in my life.

Lazy Days & Summer Nights

Lazy days can soothe and replenish the soul. Just having the time to process and feel what's going on around you can create a perfect balance in life. And that's exactly what I did this weekend, laid around enjoying the minutes moseying through the hours. We watched the entire first season of The Tudors, spent time at the park reading, listening to Snow Patrol, and just soaking in the sun.

In the city of Bath, you can walk the same streets ten times and find something new you didn't notice before. My favorite is when I find something random that triggers an inside joke with someone back in Utah. Those who have known me over the years will understand how much it meant to me that Elvis came to visit. :o) He is just as handsome in England as he is in Utah!

Here's one especially for my sisters. Andrew might say it's his favorite. I challenge every person back home to say these two words correctly. (On a side not, the people behind me are adorable! It looks like they're hugging in reunion.)

Bekah: Chelt-en-Ham and Glow-chest-ER
Andrew: Chelt-am 'n Glaw-stah

***

At the moment, I am sitting here at the kitchen table on a Monday morning. I examine the effects of the weekend: there are cookie wrappers scattered on the floor, socks around the room, one remote on the coffee table, the other on the sofa, empty glasses on the end table, and the best part...the ironing board and iron in the middle of our mess with an apple and banana Andrew forgot due to hurrying to get ready for work in time. It's nice feeling him still here and I can't help but smirk that such a string of event-less days always leads to rushing into dreadful Mondays. But in memory of such a perfect weekend I can't help but think to myself, the sweetest of summer nights are spent on the balcony with cheap wine in Coca Cola glasses, homemade spaghetti, and laughter.

 

'Til Kingdom Come

Thursday, August 9th, I awoke early with anxiety for what was to come. I was restless, working out, cleaning, packing, preparing... I was finally going to meet Andrew's family over the weekend. His mum had already been so kind giving us things for the flat and lending me novels and movies to watch for when I arrived. And to add to the emotions I was feeling, I was also very excited to take my first step into Wales.

To get to Caerleon, Wales it is about an hour's train ride from Bath. We sat hand in hand, him smiling at me being so nervous, and me just plain being nervous. And when the train finally came to our stop in Newport, it felt as if I was on a roller coaster, strapped in, feeling it move and knowing there's no going back now. When we came in sight of the exit there she was waving over to us (adrenaline kicking in) and over the tracks to a free fall we went. But as we reached her and she hugged me, smiling, exchanging words of joy, we had met. The roller coaster had stopped and every minute of anticipation was worth it.


The first night was spent chatting of old times and new while eating her highly praised lamb stew. After a cozy night's rest we were dished a very yummy fry up. I was quickly feeling at home. The conversation carried on and I couldn't help but be reminded that I was sitting in Wales next to Andrew and his mum as if I'm not from a completely different world and not 5,000 miles away from the home I always knew before.

***

Andrew wanted to take a walk into the town of Caerleon to show me where he spent much of his youth. What I didn't expect to learn was of the ancient Roman barracks right next to the school Andrew attended when he was a young boy. Imagine walking along this spot every day.

Soon we were approaching a large green field in the distance. 

I then discovered that I was veering into a Roman amphitheatre where gladiators fought, entertained and died in front of thousands of spectators. As you can see there is a family with children playing below. Andrew used to play football inside this amphitheatre as well. It is shuttering, yet admittedly fascinating, to imagine it was once covered with the blood of gladiators. 

***

Now I know that by being in the UK I fall prey to its enchanting and enthralling historical sites. But what was to come next was an exciting piece of continuing history - not only history of the world, but an impacting part of Andrew's history. We had tickets to the football bronze Olympic medal match in Cardiff, Wales. I've never been much of a sports fan, but Andrew grew up absorbed and passionate about sports, especially football. It was very special to me that I could experience such a powerful event with him.

 Japan vs S. Korea

***

 Our plan for Saturday was to drive to Brynmawr to have a barbecue at Andrew's brother's house. But first, we had to make a "pit" stop. I had been told about deep mines in Wales that most who visit the country never know about. I wasn't sure what to imagine, thinking are we going down into some caves? Are we just going alone into some dark pit? Andrew was loving my anticipation so of course didn't tell me more than it was called the "Big Pit". Above ground it looked like a factory. 

But was I mistaken! The mine had a complete staff of retired miners who take groups of people underground on a tour. Andrew's mum passes this all week long when visiting the grandchildren but has never stopped. Andrew was also a first time tourist along with me. When we entered the room, the workers were all dressed in orange jumpsuits, similar to a prison inmate in America. They were strapping on gear and helmets to every person heading into the mine. Russell was our tour guide and the look on his face was classic when he found out I was from Utah. They don't get many people from so far away. 

We first piled into an old, rickety elevator shaft. It slowly descended underground as Russell explained we'd be going 90 feet below. During the Industrial Revolution, the miners would go as deep as 900 feet underground and the elevator shaft would fall much faster! Without our helmet lights we wouldn't have seen anything it was so dark. The tour continued showing where the coal was found and transported. Learning about the history of the miners during the Industrial Revolution gave me a stronger appreciation for light and life itself. The conditions were so brutal I wouldn't have believed it without seeing it. 

The "Big Pit" was a treasure to find and as we left I was taken aback and speechless knowing my reality was experiencing such a place!

***

So I have to admit that as I've been writing this blog I've been anxious to get to the last day of my weekend. There was so much delight in every day, touring more British history, and spending time with Andrew's family. But Sunday we were headed to see castles! Andrew's brother is just as passionate about history as he is. A favorite for him is exploring castles. Let's just say, I had the best tour guides! 

The first castle to see was Caerphilly Castle. 

 

 

 

Scrolling down through these photos, are there any words to be said? I could attempt to describe how it felt to stand beneath such a sight, but none could do it justice. Words could only impair a place like this because feeling its effect is so much more magical and humbling. Inside the impact of this moment in time, I would slow my pace and come to a stop. In front of me was Andrew, his mum, his brother, his sister in-law, and his two beautiful nieces. I thought to myself, "I am really here... What amazing people stand before me; the people who are pieces of Andrew's heart, where I am every day. This is happiness."

 

 

When I was preparing to move to the UK the hardest struggle was leaving my family. All I've ever known is a life revolved around my loved ones and pouring my heart and soul into every day with them. Now as it is my turn to start a life of my own, to go where I desire, to be with the man I love, I find fear in the unknown. It takes courage to strip yourself of the past and to allow those in it to carry on without you. I was worried that his family wouldn't like me, or maybe I wouldn't like them. The cultural differences worried me as well. By the end of the weekend, I felt peace and even love from my time with them. In my heart I know that it's with Andrew, whether it be the UK or USA, that I belong. 

History has only just begun...

If I open my eyes and listen to absorb what's around me, I begin to feel like a piece to a puzzle. The sky is complete with alarming seagulls and teasing clouds. The flowers on the balcony are complete with vibrant butterflies and tyrant spiders. The cracks in the road are complete with Mother Earth and the debris of busy feet over the years. The world is complete with girls in sundresses reading novels, boys in muddy shorts playing football, mothers tending to the garden, fathers tying flies, babies opening their eyes for the first time, grandfathers closing their eyes for the last time...and my mind is drawn back to my body once again. 


I find that in all the culture of this place, the happiest moments are the simplest ones. To spend an entire day with Andrew, planning as we go, and just being, is what happiness is all about. It is days like these that complete our puzzle.

***

We began our weekend in warm company of great friends Greg and Becky. Becky came in the morning to spend the day with me. We bought groceries for dinner and spent hours talking about the past, present, and hopeful future. In the evening we cooked chicken stuffed with cream cheese and pesto. And with water bottles of wine in our purses, we were accompanied by our handsome beaus to the Odeon to see Batman. I can wholeheartedly say that I have proof that when life is full of happiness and you give just as much back to the world as you've been given, you find the very best of people alongside you.

Saturday the 28th, Andrew and I toured the Roman Baths. Wow, so breathtaking! To step foot in a sacred place 2,000 years old, is humbling. I was raised in Utah, a place very far from Europe and its descendants. And I can honestly say that there is nothing more fascinating than imagining someone so long ago carefully carving statues. Or picturing the wealthy bathing in the water and sending worship to the Gods. 

Roman Baths

And to add to its power, we entered the Bath Abbey cathedral. 

Talk about feeling inferior! You don't have to be religious to feel spirituality in a place like this. We walked down the isle and to the left was a man with eyes closed, both hands facing upward on each knee, thumb to forefinger, in peaceful meditation. There were people of every culture walking around quietly admiring the stained glass artwork and the intricate detail of the building walls. There was a group of people praying together in a quiet area next to the organ. And there we were alongside them, feeling our own personal effects of such a place. 

We then walked toward Pulteney Bridge to grab something to eat. Andrew ordered a mince and potato pasty. Mmm it tasted like my family's roast all in one bite! We were then lucky to find a spot on the grass in the gardens by the bridge to sit and enjoy the sun!

 * * *

The next weekend, on the 3rd, I was taken for a proper night out in Bath. We were accompanied by James and came across friends Adam and Cat on our way to the first pub. We spent hours in great conversation, beer and wine. We carried on to an underground club. What an experience that was! I was enjoying all the dancing and drinks completely encompassed by people. And all I have left to say is that I had the best dance partners in the building! 

Saturday was spent watching a Godfather marathon and getting to bed at a semi decent time. Sunday morning was greeted bright and early for a bike ride from Bath to Bradford. The sky was vast against the flowing greenery along the canal.

 When we reached Bradford we stopped at a lovely outdoor cafe. 

After our big fry up brunch, we walked into the town and came across a lock. It was intriguing to watch the canal boat lower down and carry on like they've done for over 200 years.

Suddenly we heard thunder and saw very dark clouds rolling close. And I was then reminded that I wasn't in a dream, I wasn't in someone's novel, but actually in reality, and in England. 

It was a twenty mile bike ride round trip and the last hour and a half was in pouring rain! 

Throughout life the sunshine will determinedly lead to rain. There is serenity in them both. And although our journey began with light, now in the settling grey air, our hearts are still there at the end of the trail.