Home

It has been 2 months now since I left the states. I have had days of retreat and struggle, feeling discouraged that maybe I'm not strong enough for this. Maybe I'm not capable of allowing myself to let go and live in the present. Andrew said to me the other day that I get stronger every day. He doesn't have to worry about me hardly at all as he sees me go through my days, moving through my secure routine, walking around the city on my own, ordering food on my own, contacting places on my own, showing confidence in myself. It wasn't until he pointed these things out that I realized how far I've come in only two months. It's a feeling of stepping outside myself to analyse my actions. And he is right, I get stronger every day. It raises my spirit when he walks into the kitchen to make us a drink and says to me, "We have such a nice home, don't we babe?" 

***

"Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home"

I used to refer to Utah as home, "Back home, this is how we say this...this is how we do that..." or "I miss home". Thinking about it now, I can't remember the last time I did that. I find that I can spend an entire day inside, curled up on the couch, drinking tea in dead silence, reading a novel, and feel completely comfortable. Yes, Utah will always be the place I come from, the place where my family and friends spend their lives, the place that molded me. But here, beside Andrew, surrounded by our things, surrounded by our memories, I am the happiest. 

If you were forced to leave your home tomorrow morning, only to take with you what matters most, what would that be? That is a common question we hear over the years, similar to if you were stranded on an island, what or who would you want to have with you? Ultimately, the question that should be asked is, what is home to you? We can easily forget, swept up in our daily lives. Would you feel that you don't have a home because you've always spent your life making decisions for someone else's happiness? Would you find that where you are should be home, but you never want to walk in the door at the end of the day? 

On this journey, I've discovered that home is where my heart is, where I've made a life for myself. Home is where I go to feel safe, to feel at peace, where I want to bring loved ones, where every direction I turn, there is something of me in it. Home is a reflection of who you are and a place to share yourself with the people that matter most. I am certain deep inside my soul, my being, my spirit, my heart, my body, whatever you want to call it, that if I was forced to leave my home tomorrow morning, I would know exactly what I couldn't leave behind. That certainty is why now I call this flat, here in this city somewhere far away in the world...my home.