Push The Clouds Away

At times I drift into just wanting to be around what's familiar. Back to the states, back to Utah where I can turn each corner and feel secure. But life isn't about staying inside our little bubbles of comfort. Without venturing into this vast, infinite world, we would never discover our hidden most deep rooted pieces of our souls.

What a typical self help book thing to say, right? The truth is, there's always going to be a textbook way of understanding and dealing with life. But that doesn't change how we feel when we wake up each morning.

It's easier to fall into feeling sad and letting the clouds cover you over. It's easier to talk about what is missed because it keeps our memories at the surface. And we can all agree that we tend to focus much more on the negative than the positive. The entire day can be full of joyous hours and all at once fall to pieces by one simple, negative occurrence.

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The most unexpected piece to this new life of mine is that Utah still finds its way into my path. It's hard to describe the spiritual imprint I have from my desert roots. I would never claim to be religious. Even with my small sense of desire to be more involved in a spiritual community, it would only make me a hypocrite to make such a claim. But there is a power to Utah. Maybe it's the Native American history, the deep feeling of living with a complete different belief inside a highly religious culture, or maybe it's simply Mother Nature's touch of sandstone and sage that has formed my sense of spirituality.

When I was 17 years old, along with other classmates, I helped organize a benefit show to raise money for B.A.C.A (Biker's Against Child Abuse) at my high school. A year prior to my involvement, another student had brought a musician named Joshua James to perform in the high school choir room. I had never heard such a haunting but beautiful sound before. And he kindly returned when I asked him to perform again at our benefit show.

On November 2nd, he happened to be traveling through Bristol during his first UK tour. Almost exactly 5 years later, I stood next to this same kind soul with a pint in our hand and a sense of home with us. We were both missing our Utah. His wife was not with him but as he performed his songs of the West, I knew how much it meant to him. I was in the arms of my love and have known what it's like to be so far away and separated from my heart. Joshua may not remember me much, he is only living his own busy life. I can't imagine he has any idea how much I needed to come across a piece of my past. But life tends to surprise us.

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Since October, the nights have began to get shorter and the days colder. Here in the UK, wintertime is a different beast altogether. In Utah we have the cold and even heavy snow added to the equation, but the clear blue sky and starry nights are there to greet you often. Here you can't tell if it's 5pm or 1pm because the sky is full of gray clouds pressing down. I look in the mirror and think to be almost sickly I'm so pale! I can walk to the shops completely dry and get back under 10 minutes with wet hair because the clouds have sporadically opened.

But the sound of the rain on the windowpane when we're lying in bed together is the most peaceful sound. I love the way my skin feels after I've walked through a drizzling rain. I love wrapping a cute scarf around my neck before leaving the flat. And I love how Andrew has to wrap his arms around me to act as a windbreaker when the train is running late. I wouldn't have to dye my hair for a change because from summertime the roots have grown naturally dark from lack of sunshine. And most of all, I love standing on my tiptoes to kiss the love of my life enclosed by our umbrella and a wall of rainfall. 

In a month's time we've traveled to Scotland to see family, I've taken the train to Wales on my own to visit my mum in-law to deal with wedding bits, we've stayed with friends in Swindon, we've seen The Hobbit at the cinema, I've played Bingo for the first time, I've cried because I'm overwhelmed by love and happiness, I've cried because I feel lonely away from my sisters, I've laughed myself exhausted in Andrew's arms, I've been introduced to the ridiculously genius humour of Alan Partridge, I've bought a pair of jeans a size smaller than I was when I left Utah, I've been stopped flat in my tracks in amazement when Andrew walks toward me smiling, I've learned to trust more, I've learned to be patient, I've learned to listen, I've learned to be respectful, and I've learned to appreciate the reality that all these beautiful simple things have happened to me in only a month's time.

Glasgow, Scotland

 

See, the trick is whenever I feel suffocated by those gray clouds, I must remember that for every one simple negative occurrence that might happen in my day, there are heaps of happy moments to push those clouds away. I can then breathe again...