Fingertips to Fingertips

Where do I begin? I'm finding it difficult to start where I left off.

At the moment I am sitting upright in bed, feeling quite anxious to write as I've suddenly had the words flow through my mind. I am listening to the song, "Then" by Brad Paisley. It's the song that Andrew posted on my Facebook just the other day. And now it is what I have to remind me of him in nights like this when our distance is lingering on the surface. There are so many hidden meanings in all the small measures made to stay close. A sweet song to express I love you in a way only you understand. A simple e-mail in the morning to say I'm thinking about you and I love you. A simple text message saying I almost went a day without saying I love you! A quick phone call to say you would've loved being here. Every word matters and every word determines the flow of the day.

Often when I think of the words Facebook, Skype, Hotmail, Phone, Picture, I am conflicted. These are ways to keep in touch with loved ones. These are also ways that allowed me to meet Andrew and learn the incredible man that he is. But now, they feel like constant reminders of frustration and sacrifice. It is nearly 7 months since I last saw my close friends and family in Utah. I can't help but wish I never had to sign in to a single online website again or pick up a phone and dial a number.

This solitary way of keeping close to loved ones has created a barrier - it is a thin layer, but I have to admit that I feel it there. We all have to adjust at some point when placed in a new environment and culture. And innocently that's what I've done. I've had to in order to keep my head above water and face each day. It's not something you'd ever wish to get used to, but it's necessary. I have found as more people ask of my love story, there are so many individuals out there who have either experienced something similar, or know someone who has. The technological world we live in has created possibilities to connect but strips the authenticity of our relationships. It's as I always say about e-books, I prefer my paperbacks; the smell of the pages, to feel the weight of it in my hands, the way my nose gets buried in its spine...

Words. All we have is words when we can no longer reach across and feel the comfort of fingertips to fingertips.

5,000 Miles Back To Feel 5,000 Miles Away

Yesterday while Andrew and I took a walk around the city, he asked me, "Has being here been all that you expected?" It was a very difficult question to answer. I first explained that yes I expected to see beautiful places that many people travel to. Yes I expected to meet his friends, meet his family, live with him. But the rest couldn't have been expected. I had no expectations because I couldn't imagine that my life could actually turn into what it has. The one thing that has been unexpected is how I've dealt with being here. I have surprised myself when I don't handle something well; when I fall apart and act out irrationally, simply trying to work out my thoughts. But even stronger, I did not expect to have grown and learned as much as I have. These are times in life where we reveal more than we change.

***

Christmastime turned out to be one of those unexpected times. When I booked my round trip flight and decided to stay in the UK through the holidays, I really didn't know the odds of actually still wanting to be here or not. But as Christmas came around, I felt exactly where I was supposed to be. 

On Christmas Eve, Andrew, his mum and myself attended a Eucharist service at the church we are getting married in. This was our first time seeing the inside in person. We sat in the pew a bit awestruck gazing up to the high ceiling, over to the organ, back to the Vicar. Without saying a word, we thought to ourselves, the next time we'll be here is when we're rehearsing for our wedding...

I had set times to Skype with family throughout Christmas day and as each conversation ended, I didn't feel that I was missing anything. It may sound harsh when my family reads this, but I know in their hearts, that proves how happy I am. It wasn't that my gifts were better than they would have given me or that the food was better. It was that I was with Andrew. And not to mention, we spent a week with His Royal Highness, Rodney Hooper.

 

& both quickly gained happy pounds from eating at least two desserts a day.

Andrew's family truly has been so loving and welcoming every time I am with them. We literally spent a week eating, drinking, eating, drinking, enjoying our gifts, watching movies, playing games, and getting cat cuddles. The beauty in it was that I would have done the same things with my own family. To be 5,000 miles away from where I grew up and be surrounded by family that is just as loving is a true blessing.

 Harriet the Horse & Genny the Sheep

Merry Christmas! 

***

January 6th: 2 weeks since Christmas = 3 days before I fly back to the states.

I stare at the screen now feeling that in a few days my entire environment won't change. I am on the same couch, I see the same fireplace, I am typing on the same laptop, I have a cuppa ready to drink and Andrew is beside me. I can look at the date, January 6th, over and over and still not truly feel the reality of where I am in time. When will it hit me? Will it hit me when I walk off the plane into Houston humidity..? Will it hit me when I feel Andrew's arms release me to walk through security...? Will it hit me after I've been back for a few days and given time for my emotions to catch up...?

A more present question to answer is, how do you spend your last few days in a place? Of course there's all the tedious, practical bits like packing boxes and cleaning house. But when I ask what are the simple parts of our little life together? I think of...

 homemade lasagna...

Liverpool victories...(because we don't talk about when they lose) 

& dancing!

That is exactly how we've spent this weekend together. Just being us, living our simple, beautiful little life. I will be away from my home for a few months, but in that time I will have time with family, I will be planning my wedding, and will work hard every day to keep all that I am blessed with. 

The only way to get through hard times is to focus on what you have more often than what you're missing.