Push The Clouds Away

At times I drift into just wanting to be around what's familiar. Back to the states, back to Utah where I can turn each corner and feel secure. But life isn't about staying inside our little bubbles of comfort. Without venturing into this vast, infinite world, we would never discover our hidden most deep rooted pieces of our souls.

What a typical self help book thing to say, right? The truth is, there's always going to be a textbook way of understanding and dealing with life. But that doesn't change how we feel when we wake up each morning.

It's easier to fall into feeling sad and letting the clouds cover you over. It's easier to talk about what is missed because it keeps our memories at the surface. And we can all agree that we tend to focus much more on the negative than the positive. The entire day can be full of joyous hours and all at once fall to pieces by one simple, negative occurrence.

***

The most unexpected piece to this new life of mine is that Utah still finds its way into my path. It's hard to describe the spiritual imprint I have from my desert roots. I would never claim to be religious. Even with my small sense of desire to be more involved in a spiritual community, it would only make me a hypocrite to make such a claim. But there is a power to Utah. Maybe it's the Native American history, the deep feeling of living with a complete different belief inside a highly religious culture, or maybe it's simply Mother Nature's touch of sandstone and sage that has formed my sense of spirituality.

When I was 17 years old, along with other classmates, I helped organize a benefit show to raise money for B.A.C.A (Biker's Against Child Abuse) at my high school. A year prior to my involvement, another student had brought a musician named Joshua James to perform in the high school choir room. I had never heard such a haunting but beautiful sound before. And he kindly returned when I asked him to perform again at our benefit show.

On November 2nd, he happened to be traveling through Bristol during his first UK tour. Almost exactly 5 years later, I stood next to this same kind soul with a pint in our hand and a sense of home with us. We were both missing our Utah. His wife was not with him but as he performed his songs of the West, I knew how much it meant to him. I was in the arms of my love and have known what it's like to be so far away and separated from my heart. Joshua may not remember me much, he is only living his own busy life. I can't imagine he has any idea how much I needed to come across a piece of my past. But life tends to surprise us.

***

Since October, the nights have began to get shorter and the days colder. Here in the UK, wintertime is a different beast altogether. In Utah we have the cold and even heavy snow added to the equation, but the clear blue sky and starry nights are there to greet you often. Here you can't tell if it's 5pm or 1pm because the sky is full of gray clouds pressing down. I look in the mirror and think to be almost sickly I'm so pale! I can walk to the shops completely dry and get back under 10 minutes with wet hair because the clouds have sporadically opened.

But the sound of the rain on the windowpane when we're lying in bed together is the most peaceful sound. I love the way my skin feels after I've walked through a drizzling rain. I love wrapping a cute scarf around my neck before leaving the flat. And I love how Andrew has to wrap his arms around me to act as a windbreaker when the train is running late. I wouldn't have to dye my hair for a change because from summertime the roots have grown naturally dark from lack of sunshine. And most of all, I love standing on my tiptoes to kiss the love of my life enclosed by our umbrella and a wall of rainfall. 

In a month's time we've traveled to Scotland to see family, I've taken the train to Wales on my own to visit my mum in-law to deal with wedding bits, we've stayed with friends in Swindon, we've seen The Hobbit at the cinema, I've played Bingo for the first time, I've cried because I'm overwhelmed by love and happiness, I've cried because I feel lonely away from my sisters, I've laughed myself exhausted in Andrew's arms, I've been introduced to the ridiculously genius humour of Alan Partridge, I've bought a pair of jeans a size smaller than I was when I left Utah, I've been stopped flat in my tracks in amazement when Andrew walks toward me smiling, I've learned to trust more, I've learned to be patient, I've learned to listen, I've learned to be respectful, and I've learned to appreciate the reality that all these beautiful simple things have happened to me in only a month's time.

Glasgow, Scotland

 

See, the trick is whenever I feel suffocated by those gray clouds, I must remember that for every one simple negative occurrence that might happen in my day, there are heaps of happy moments to push those clouds away. I can then breathe again...

When memories come knocking on your door...

Where has October gone? I see flashes of it in my mind between images of train rides, Excel spreadsheets, incoming call alerts, steaming food, bucktoothed pumpkins, falling leaves and loving faces.

At the moment, it's hard to find the words to how I feel. I am more than halfway through my time here in England. Although I will be seeing my family soon, and will be busy planning for when I return, it is miserable to think of not waking up every day beside Andrew. I didn't know a person could be capable of so much change, adjustment, transition and growth in such a short period of time! What a sense of strength it has given me. There couldn't be another way to carry on a part of life that means so much. But regardless of what is happening now, memories come knocking on your door.

Often in my time alone, I find myself thinking of happy memories, as do we all. Sometimes I am standing in the kitchen, looking out at the snow, hearing a familiar song, feeling that I am just fine. Sometimes I am cozy on the couch, my niece in my arms dozing off as her Disney movie comes to an end. Sometimes I walk down the hallway of a building and see a friend in the distance I haven't seen for awhile. Sometimes I am walking through an airport terminal, cellphone in hand, eager to reach the person that awaits. Sometimes I am walking down a desert path, cactus and sage all around, breathing in the air of my roots. Sometimes I am here in my home, lighting a candle to place on the table, watching him pour two glasses of wine and smiling over the glow to meet my eyes.

The faces you see in your memories may not be the same faces you see when you look around your present life. That could make you feel sad, or maybe it makes you feel happy, or even strong. We all have months that pass so quickly it seems impossible to know where to begin or what to hold onto. We don't always ask for what we do hold onto. And dissolving an unwanted memory can be the strongest desperation.

We don't always have a choice what we're faced with, but we always have a choice of how to respond. I don't always appreciate what I've got. I don't always feel happy when I wake up in the morning. I don't always give back as much as I'm given. The truth can burn your throat as it seeps down to be absorbed.

But I am here, he is here, we are home. Call me a romantic, call me irrational, call me illogical, disagree, or read this and think, I understand. But the way I see it, nothing else matters.

5,000 Milestones and 5,000 More to Come

Last week was an emotional roller coaster. It was the week of my 22nd birthday and the first holiday to spend away from family. It felt that the hours were going by and I couldn't remember what I had done all day to pass my time. I was a bit lost in my thoughts if there's any way to describe it. Andrew could see that I was struggling and continued to reassure me. He said that if I promise to just accept all that will happen and allow myself to be happy and put all my worries aside until the next week, I would have the best birthday of my life. We would tackle the world again, but it was time for me to enjoy myself. So I made my promise.

It was without a doubt, the best decision I could have ever made! September 21st was a Friday and I awoke to breakfast in bed. He had managed to sneak out and come home quietly to get some English pastries and a caterpillar cake!

After a very lazy morning we got ready to see a Jane Austen Historical Reading at the Theatre Royal. & we ended the evening with a nice dinner out. Up til this point, I had already been feeling very spoiled and loved. But it wasn't over yet... We were scheduled to take the train at 6am for London. Bright and early we were off for our 12 hour day! 

First stop - St. Paul's Cathedral

528 steps to the top! 

Next stop - Tower of London

Ravens are known for living on the tower grounds. But they symbolize something stronger to me and Andrew. Ravens are my dad's favorite bird and in turn have been a part of me. He used to play "Blackbird" by Paul McCartney for me when I was younger. They represent magic and are very entrancing creatures. In Bristol we had seen a model of a Raven in the museum and couldn't believe how huge they actually are. A week later, here we were walking around the Tower of London and up walks a Raven. Strangely, a man nearby happened to have bread and he began to feed the bird. The Raven then proceeded to walk right next to me with the bread in his beak as if to say, "I'm taking this home to my family. See you guys later." As we left the grounds later in the day, we noticed that there were several Ravens in a large enclosed area. But one single Raven happened to be strolling around on his own to meet our visit. It was very special.

Next stop - Tower Bridge Exhibition

What a beautiful day it was! We walked along the very top of it and London was a powerful sight!

Next stop - Shakespeare's Globe Theatre

There was a misunderstanding of when the guided tours were so we were unable to actually see inside the theatre. But on the positive side, we were able to walk along the Thames and see HMS Belfast. Also, it gave us 2 extra hours in our schedule to play with. 

So we happily enjoyed our long walk and subway trip to Big Ben & Houses of Parliament. 

And of course, we can't miss the breathtaking Westminster Abbey.

Next stop - Trafalgar Square and Nelson's Column 

Downing Street on the way...

Hello Buckingham Palace! 

 

So at this point we found ourselves with much more time to spare than was originally in our day's schedule. We sat down at the fountain in front of the palace to relax and enjoy the sun a bit more. And then Andrew informs me that there is a surprise planned before we head back home. My mind races trying to think of what could possibly be left after an incredible day! He had booked us tickets for the London Eye at sunset! First off, Andrew is afraid of heights. Not only did he go to the top of St. Paul's Cathedral and Tower Bridge for me, but the tallest Ferris wheel in Europe! 

 

What an enchanting experience! I couldn't have imagined or predicted such a beautiful day to ever exist in time! I really couldn't believe what we had done in one day and how happy we felt every second of it. It couldn't possibly get better...

***

Once again Andrew went miles beyond what I could ever wish for and showed me that it could get better. As 10pm crawled toward us, our legs were miraculously holding up long enough to reach the door to our building. Andrew says to me, "I'll get my keys out." I then tell him it would be much easier for me to get mine from my purse, but he was already on his knees rummaging through his backpack. I looked around waiting patiently, feeling very sleepy. There wasn't a soul around and it was very peaceful. I could see the dim streetlamp only allowing our view to be close around us. I then looked back down to Andrew and as he turned to me, down on one knee, he opened a little black box and asked, "Will you marry me?" 

Now this is a moment in time that us girls always imagine. We hear love songs on the radio and see princes marry princesses in Disney movies. We think about our future and wonder when our prince charming, our knight in shining armour, our soulmate, will fall into our lives. We all spend time on those who don't deserve us or don't appreciate those who deserve better than us. We live and learn. But when the time does come when we hear those special words, "Will you marry me?" we can never predict what it will feel like until it happens. 

After a day of traveling around magical, historical places, surrounded by strangers, appreciating Mother Nature and God's gift of a sunny day, it is easy to see there were many cliche moments Andrew could have popped the question. He had carried the ring in his backpack the entire day just waiting for the perfect moment. It wasn't until we were home, in complete intimacy and enveloped by the peaceful night, that he asked me to be his wife. 

Home

It has been 2 months now since I left the states. I have had days of retreat and struggle, feeling discouraged that maybe I'm not strong enough for this. Maybe I'm not capable of allowing myself to let go and live in the present. Andrew said to me the other day that I get stronger every day. He doesn't have to worry about me hardly at all as he sees me go through my days, moving through my secure routine, walking around the city on my own, ordering food on my own, contacting places on my own, showing confidence in myself. It wasn't until he pointed these things out that I realized how far I've come in only two months. It's a feeling of stepping outside myself to analyse my actions. And he is right, I get stronger every day. It raises my spirit when he walks into the kitchen to make us a drink and says to me, "We have such a nice home, don't we babe?" 

***

"Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home"

I used to refer to Utah as home, "Back home, this is how we say this...this is how we do that..." or "I miss home". Thinking about it now, I can't remember the last time I did that. I find that I can spend an entire day inside, curled up on the couch, drinking tea in dead silence, reading a novel, and feel completely comfortable. Yes, Utah will always be the place I come from, the place where my family and friends spend their lives, the place that molded me. But here, beside Andrew, surrounded by our things, surrounded by our memories, I am the happiest. 

If you were forced to leave your home tomorrow morning, only to take with you what matters most, what would that be? That is a common question we hear over the years, similar to if you were stranded on an island, what or who would you want to have with you? Ultimately, the question that should be asked is, what is home to you? We can easily forget, swept up in our daily lives. Would you feel that you don't have a home because you've always spent your life making decisions for someone else's happiness? Would you find that where you are should be home, but you never want to walk in the door at the end of the day? 

On this journey, I've discovered that home is where my heart is, where I've made a life for myself. Home is where I go to feel safe, to feel at peace, where I want to bring loved ones, where every direction I turn, there is something of me in it. Home is a reflection of who you are and a place to share yourself with the people that matter most. I am certain deep inside my soul, my being, my spirit, my heart, my body, whatever you want to call it, that if I was forced to leave my home tomorrow morning, I would know exactly what I couldn't leave behind. That certainty is why now I call this flat, here in this city somewhere far away in the world...my home.

We all have our Englands and our Utahs.

Over the weekend we traveled to Swansea, Wales to a Cuban Salsa Congress event. People from all over the world were there to simply dance. In Andrew's words, it felt like we were watching a lava lamp. So many beautiful colors, smiling faces, flashy dresses, smart shoes, and hips, painted the dance floor. 

I couldn't help but think back to the small city I grew up in. So many are there lost in the desert, carrying on through life without learning hardly a single lesson. In contrast, there are those that live peacefully in simplicity and with the hot sun in their hearts. The path I am following is one of my own choice, stemmed from my past, and a result of who I truly am.

As I've traveled through the first part of my journey here in England, I often hear from people back in the states, how lucky I am to live here or  they wish they could move to England.What I feel in return is that I am not here because it's England. It takes a lot of trust and faith to take such a big leap away from all that is familiar. When Andrew came to the states to visit me, he was speechless when he stood before the Grand Canyon rim, or looked up at the high peaks of Zion National Park.

He felt peace feeling the waves crash over his legs in California, breathing in the salty air.

 He grew up in England, a place most people I grew up with, would love to see. From his shoes, he felt the same gratitude when visiting the country I call home...the mountains, the valleys, the peaks, the red sand. Although these places are breathtaking, we would both say the reason these moments felt so special is because we were together every second.

***

I look around and see people falling apart around me, young and old. Why? So many seem to have lost touch with what is worth striving for and lack willingness to sacrifice. Put down your mobile phones, turn off your satellite T.V., put the clothes back on the shopping rack. You ask yourself every day what is missing? Why doesn't anything work out? I read Facebook status' regularly addressing the same complaints and self pity. If there is anything easy in life, it is walking away. What's missing is your own appreciation for each breath you are given, each moment in time you have to grow and bloom. 

We all have our journeys, we all have our Englands and our Utahs. We all have our dances and our bottles of beer. None of it would matter without the genuine company we receive throughout our days. If there is one thing I can accomplish from this chapter of my life, it is to always wake up and appreciate who is beside me and who I may cross paths with before the sun goes down. 

"I can't find

Oh, the right romantic line

But see me once and see the way I feel

Don't discard me

Just because you think I mean you harm

But these cuts I have

They need love to help them heal

Oh, don't let the sun go down on me

Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see

I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free

Cause losing everything is like the sun going down on me"

-Elton John

I'm not writing to share my love story, or to try and persuade people that my life is lucky or in any way superior. I couldn't have this much happiness without having a past of my own, struggles I've overcome, and feeling pain to appreciate what matters most. Life is never as easy as it may appear. That's what makes it so precious, so fragile, so meaningful.