Where do I begin? I'm finding it difficult to start where I left off.
At the moment I am sitting upright in bed, feeling quite anxious to write as I've suddenly had the words flow through my mind. I am listening to the song, "Then" by Brad Paisley. It's the song that Andrew posted on my Facebook just the other day. And now it is what I have to remind me of him in nights like this when our distance is lingering on the surface. There are so many hidden meanings in all the small measures made to stay close. A sweet song to express I love you in a way only you understand. A simple e-mail in the morning to say I'm thinking about you and I love you. A simple text message saying I almost went a day without saying I love you! A quick phone call to say you would've loved being here. Every word matters and every word determines the flow of the day.
Often when I think of the words Facebook, Skype, Hotmail, Phone, Picture, I am conflicted. These are ways to keep in touch with loved ones. These are also ways that allowed me to meet Andrew and learn the incredible man that he is. But now, they feel like constant reminders of frustration and sacrifice. It is nearly 7 months since I last saw my close friends and family in Utah. I can't help but wish I never had to sign in to a single online website again or pick up a phone and dial a number.
This solitary way of keeping close to loved ones has created a barrier - it is a thin layer, but I have to admit that I feel it there. We all have to adjust at some point when placed in a new environment and culture. And innocently that's what I've done. I've had to in order to keep my head above water and face each day. It's not something you'd ever wish to get used to, but it's necessary. I have found as more people ask of my love story, there are so many individuals out there who have either experienced something similar, or know someone who has. The technological world we live in has created possibilities to connect but strips the authenticity of our relationships. It's as I always say about e-books, I prefer my paperbacks; the smell of the pages, to feel the weight of it in my hands, the way my nose gets buried in its spine...
Words. All we have is words when we can no longer reach across and feel the comfort of fingertips to fingertips.
Yesterday while Andrew and I took a walk around the city, he asked me, "Has being here been all that you expected?" It was a very difficult question to answer. I first explained that yes I expected to see beautiful places that many people travel to. Yes I expected to meet his friends, meet his family, live with him. But the rest couldn't have been expected. I had no expectations because I couldn't imagine that my life could actually turn into what it has. The one thing that has been unexpected is how I've dealt with being here. I have surprised myself when I don't handle something well; when I fall apart and act out irrationally, simply trying to work out my thoughts. But even stronger, I did not expect to have grown and learned as much as I have. These are times in life where we reveal more than we change.
***
Christmastime turned out to be one of those unexpected times. When I booked my round trip flight and decided to stay in the UK through the holidays, I really didn't know the odds of actually still wanting to be here or not. But as Christmas came around, I felt exactly where I was supposed to be.
On Christmas Eve, Andrew, his mum and myself attended a Eucharist service at the church we are getting married in. This was our first time seeing the inside in person. We sat in the pew a bit awestruck gazing up to the high ceiling, over to the organ, back to the Vicar. Without saying a word, we thought to ourselves, the next time we'll be here is when we're rehearsing for our wedding...
I had set times to Skype with family throughout Christmas day and as each conversation ended, I didn't feel that I was missing anything. It may sound harsh when my family reads this, but I know in their hearts, that proves how happy I am. It wasn't that my gifts were better than they would have given me or that the food was better. It was that I was with Andrew. And not to mention, we spent a week with His Royal Highness, Rodney Hooper.
& both quickly gained happy pounds from eating at least two desserts a day.
Andrew's family truly has been so loving and welcoming every time I am with them. We literally spent a week eating, drinking, eating, drinking, enjoying our gifts, watching movies, playing games, and getting cat cuddles. The beauty in it was that I would have done the same things with my own family. To be 5,000 miles away from where I grew up and be surrounded by family that is just as loving is a true blessing.
Harriet the Horse & Genny the Sheep
Merry Christmas!
***
January 6th: 2 weeks since Christmas = 3 days before I fly back to the states.
I stare at the screen now feeling that in a few days my entire environment won't change. I am on the same couch, I see the same fireplace, I am typing on the same laptop, I have a cuppa ready to drink and Andrew is beside me. I can look at the date, January 6th, over and over and still not truly feel the reality of where I am in time. When will it hit me? Will it hit me when I walk off the plane into Houston humidity..? Will it hit me when I feel Andrew's arms release me to walk through security...? Will it hit me after I've been back for a few days and given time for my emotions to catch up...?
A more present question to answer is, how do you spend your last few days in a place? Of course there's all the tedious, practical bits like packing boxes and cleaning house. But when I ask what are the simple parts of our little life together? I think of...
homemade lasagna...
Liverpool victories...(because we don't talk about when they lose)
& dancing!
That is exactly how we've spent this weekend together. Just being us, living our simple, beautiful little life. I will be away from my home for a few months, but in that time I will have time with family, I will be planning my wedding, and will work hard every day to keep all that I am blessed with.
The only way to get through hard times is to focus on what you have more often than what you're missing.
At times I drift into just wanting to be around what's familiar. Back to the states, back to Utah where I can turn each corner and feel secure. But life isn't about staying inside our little bubbles of comfort. Without venturing into this vast, infinite world, we would never discover our hidden most deep rooted pieces of our souls.
What a typical self help book thing to say, right? The truth is, there's always going to be a textbook way of understanding and dealing with life. But that doesn't change how we feel when we wake up each morning.
It's easier to fall into feeling sad and letting the clouds cover you over. It's easier to talk about what is missed because it keeps our memories at the surface. And we can all agree that we tend to focus much more on the negative than the positive. The entire day can be full of joyous hours and all at once fall to pieces by one simple, negative occurrence.
***
The most unexpected piece to this new life of mine is that Utah still finds its way into my path. It's hard to describe the spiritual imprint I have from my desert roots. I would never claim to be religious. Even with my small sense of desire to be more involved in a spiritual community, it would only make me a hypocrite to make such a claim. But there is a power to Utah. Maybe it's the Native American history, the deep feeling of living with a complete different belief inside a highly religious culture, or maybe it's simply Mother Nature's touch of sandstone and sage that has formed my sense of spirituality.
When I was 17 years old, along with other classmates, I helped organize a benefit show to raise money for B.A.C.A (Biker's Against Child Abuse) at my high school. A year prior to my involvement, another student had brought a musician named Joshua James to perform in the high school choir room. I had never heard such a haunting but beautiful sound before. And he kindly returned when I asked him to perform again at our benefit show.
On November 2nd, he happened to be traveling through Bristol during his first UK tour. Almost exactly 5 years later, I stood next to this same kind soul with a pint in our hand and a sense of home with us. We were both missing our Utah. His wife was not with him but as he performed his songs of the West, I knew how much it meant to him. I was in the arms of my love and have known what it's like to be so far away and separated from my heart. Joshua may not remember me much, he is only living his own busy life. I can't imagine he has any idea how much I needed to come across a piece of my past. But life tends to surprise us.
***
Since October, the nights have began to get shorter and the days colder. Here in the UK, wintertime is a different beast altogether. In Utah we have the cold and even heavy snow added to the equation, but the clear blue sky and starry nights are there to greet you often. Here you can't tell if it's 5pm or 1pm because the sky is full of gray clouds pressing down. I look in the mirror and think to be almost sickly I'm so pale! I can walk to the shops completely dry and get back under 10 minutes with wet hair because the clouds have sporadically opened.
But the sound of the rain on the windowpane when we're lying in bed together is the most peaceful sound. I love the way my skin feels after I've walked through a drizzling rain. I love wrapping a cute scarf around my neck before leaving the flat. And I love how Andrew has to wrap his arms around me to act as a windbreaker when the train is running late. I wouldn't have to dye my hair for a change because from summertime the roots have grown naturally dark from lack of sunshine. And most of all, I love standing on my tiptoes to kiss the love of my life enclosed by our umbrella and a wall of rainfall.
In a month's time we've traveled to Scotland to see family, I've taken the train to Wales on my own to visit my mum in-law to deal with wedding bits, we've stayed with friends in Swindon, we've seen The Hobbit at the cinema, I've played Bingo for the first time, I've cried because I'm overwhelmed by love and happiness, I've cried because I feel lonely away from my sisters, I've laughed myself exhausted in Andrew's arms, I've been introduced to the ridiculously genius humour of Alan Partridge, I've bought a pair of jeans a size smaller than I was when I left Utah, I've been stopped flat in my tracks in amazement when Andrew walks toward me smiling, I've learned to trust more, I've learned to be patient, I've learned to listen, I've learned to be respectful, and I've learned to appreciate the reality that all these beautiful simple things have happened to me in only a month's time.
Glasgow, Scotland
See, the trick is whenever I feel suffocated by those gray clouds, I must remember that for every one simple negative occurrence that might happen in my day, there are heaps of happy moments to push those clouds away. I can then breathe again...
Where has October gone? I see flashes of it in my mind between images of train rides, Excel spreadsheets, incoming call alerts, steaming food, bucktoothed pumpkins, falling leaves and loving faces.
At the moment, it's hard to find the words to how I feel. I am more than halfway through my time here in England. Although I will be seeing my family soon, and will be busy planning for when I return, it is miserable to think of not waking up every day beside Andrew. I didn't know a person could be capable of so much change, adjustment, transition and growth in such a short period of time! What a sense of strength it has given me. There couldn't be another way to carry on a part of life that means so much. But regardless of what is happening now, memories come knocking on your door.
Often in my time alone, I find myself thinking of happy memories, as do we all. Sometimes I am standing in the kitchen, looking out at the snow, hearing a familiar song, feeling that I am just fine. Sometimes I am cozy on the couch, my niece in my arms dozing off as her Disney movie comes to an end. Sometimes I walk down the hallway of a building and see a friend in the distance I haven't seen for awhile. Sometimes I am walking through an airport terminal, cellphone in hand, eager to reach the person that awaits. Sometimes I am walking down a desert path, cactus and sage all around, breathing in the air of my roots. Sometimes I am here in my home, lighting a candle to place on the table, watching him pour two glasses of wine and smiling over the glow to meet my eyes.
The faces you see in your memories may not be the same faces you see when you look around your present life. That could make you feel sad, or maybe it makes you feel happy, or even strong. We all have months that pass so quickly it seems impossible to know where to begin or what to hold onto. We don't always ask for what we do hold onto. And dissolving an unwanted memory can be the strongest desperation.
We don't always have a choice what we're faced with, but we always have a choice of how to respond. I don't always appreciate what I've got. I don't always feel happy when I wake up in the morning. I don't always give back as much as I'm given. The truth can burn your throat as it seeps down to be absorbed.
But I am here, he is here, we are home. Call me a romantic, call me irrational, call me illogical, disagree, or read this and think, I understand. But the way I see it, nothing else matters.
Last week was an emotional roller coaster. It was the week of my 22nd birthday and the first holiday to spend away from family. It felt that the hours were going by and I couldn't remember what I had done all day to pass my time. I was a bit lost in my thoughts if there's any way to describe it. Andrew could see that I was struggling and continued to reassure me. He said that if I promise to just accept all that will happen and allow myself to be happy and put all my worries aside until the next week, I would have the best birthday of my life. We would tackle the world again, but it was time for me to enjoy myself. So I made my promise.
It was without a doubt, the best decision I could have ever made! September 21st was a Friday and I awoke to breakfast in bed. He had managed to sneak out and come home quietly to get some English pastries and a caterpillar cake!
After a very lazy morning we got ready to see a Jane Austen Historical Reading at the Theatre Royal. & we ended the evening with a nice dinner out. Up til this point, I had already been feeling very spoiled and loved. But it wasn't over yet... We were scheduled to take the train at 6am for London. Bright and early we were off for our 12 hour day!
First stop - St. Paul's Cathedral
528 steps to the top!
Next stop - Tower of London
Ravens are known for living on the tower grounds. But they symbolize something stronger to me and Andrew. Ravens are my dad's favorite bird and in turn have been a part of me. He used to play "Blackbird" by Paul McCartney for me when I was younger. They represent magic and are very entrancing creatures. In Bristol we had seen a model of a Raven in the museum and couldn't believe how huge they actually are. A week later, here we were walking around the Tower of London and up walks a Raven. Strangely, a man nearby happened to have bread and he began to feed the bird. The Raven then proceeded to walk right next to me with the bread in his beak as if to say, "I'm taking this home to my family. See you guys later." As we left the grounds later in the day, we noticed that there were several Ravens in a large enclosed area. But one single Raven happened to be strolling around on his own to meet our visit. It was very special.
Next stop - Tower Bridge Exhibition
What a beautiful day it was! We walked along the very top of it and London was a powerful sight!
Next stop - Shakespeare's Globe Theatre
There was a misunderstanding of when the guided tours were so we were unable to actually see inside the theatre. But on the positive side, we were able to walk along the Thames and see HMS Belfast. Also, it gave us 2 extra hours in our schedule to play with.
So we happily enjoyed our long walk and subway trip to Big Ben & Houses of Parliament.
And of course, we can't miss the breathtaking Westminster Abbey.
Next stop - Trafalgar Square and Nelson's Column
Downing Street on the way...
Hello Buckingham Palace!
So at this point we found ourselves with much more time to spare than was originally in our day's schedule. We sat down at the fountain in front of the palace to relax and enjoy the sun a bit more. And then Andrew informs me that there is a surprise planned before we head back home. My mind races trying to think of what could possibly be left after an incredible day! He had booked us tickets for the London Eye at sunset! First off, Andrew is afraid of heights. Not only did he go to the top of St. Paul's Cathedral and Tower Bridge for me, but the tallest Ferris wheel in Europe!
What an enchanting experience! I couldn't have imagined or predicted such a beautiful day to ever exist in time! I really couldn't believe what we had done in one day and how happy we felt every second of it. It couldn't possibly get better...
***
Once again Andrew went miles beyond what I could ever wish for and showed me that it could get better. As 10pm crawled toward us, our legs were miraculously holding up long enough to reach the door to our building. Andrew says to me, "I'll get my keys out." I then tell him it would be much easier for me to get mine from my purse, but he was already on his knees rummaging through his backpack. I looked around waiting patiently, feeling very sleepy. There wasn't a soul around and it was very peaceful. I could see the dim streetlamp only allowing our view to be close around us. I then looked back down to Andrew and as he turned to me, down on one knee, he opened a little black box and asked, "Will you marry me?"
Now this is a moment in time that us girls always imagine. We hear love songs on the radio and see princes marry princesses in Disney movies. We think about our future and wonder when our prince charming, our knight in shining armour, our soulmate, will fall into our lives. We all spend time on those who don't deserve us or don't appreciate those who deserve better than us. We live and learn. But when the time does come when we hear those special words, "Will you marry me?" we can never predict what it will feel like until it happens.
After a day of traveling around magical, historical places, surrounded by strangers, appreciating Mother Nature and God's gift of a sunny day, it is easy to see there were many cliche moments Andrew could have popped the question. He had carried the ring in his backpack the entire day just waiting for the perfect moment. It wasn't until we were home, in complete intimacy and enveloped by the peaceful night, that he asked me to be his wife.
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